Mamazen

Triumph

This is a post I wrote for my awesome Photographer friend Nicole Renea about some friends of mine she photographed.  Ben and Rachel are very special and very amazing people, and I knew I wanted to contribute something sweet to their pictures. To see more amazing photography (including some from this shoot) head over to Nicole Renea Photography and if you're local to the Portland area you should book a shoot!

There is something so sweet and wonderful about a couple that has been together since high school.

It's not something you see often these days, nor is it something most people expect to last a lifetime. Often when high school sweethearts marry, it's a rash decision, or a way to get out of a small town, or just young love gone crazy.

Ben and Rachel defy all of these stereotypes. They started dating when they were 17 and 16 respectively and when they had only been together for 14 months, Ben was diagnosed with testicular cancer. On the day Rachel graduated from high school when most teenagers are having parties and feeling invincible,  Ben and Rachel were preparing for biopsies and hospital stays. What most people never faced in their lives, these two faced when they were kids.

Not only did they stay strong, they stayed together. Five years later,  Ben is cancer free, they are happily married, and expecting a miracle child.

Again, defying the odds, and the challenge of fertility problems following cancer, Ben and Rachel prove to be a triumph of faith over fear, of hope over despair, of LOVE.

Indoor Fireworks

Well, not exactly indoor fireworks but the rainy season has arrived, and it's time for indoor creativity. Since Ruby is the kind of kid who loves all things tactile, messy and dirty, I knew we'd need some sort of indoor sand play station. I saw this set up on another blog (which I promptly forgot) and decided we needed something similar. It's messy, and I think i'll be vacuuming more often this winter, but it makes her happy, and isn't that what it's all about?

 

One 50 lb bag of playsand (I only used about 10 lbs) and one 35qt underbed storage box 

(with locking lid. this is key unless you want a mess and a new litterbox)

 

Some random kitchen utensils, and some play figurines

 

This hiking dude should check around that tree before he goes any further. Danger, dude!

This winter I will:

Stolen from Tripletly Blessed

This winter I will

• Build a snowman
• Prepare for next spring's garden
• knit my husband something he'll actually wear regularly
• Go to sleep before midnight on a regular basis
• Spend an entire day in pjs with my girl doing whatever she wants
• bake and eat cookies for breakfast

This winter I will honor my child and the wonder she brings to my life.

This winter I will spend countless hours under blankets with my love while we plan what comes next

This winter I will believe that my body, my heart, my soul will achieve it's deepest desires.

This winter I will trust, I will hope, I will love. 

Somedays, Sundays.

Sometimes Sundays are the best day of the week. Today my sweet girl slept in till 7 am, then my wonderful husband got up with her and I slept till 9:15. Brilliant. Then we had a quick breakfast, and headed out for a photo shoot with the amazing Nicole Renea. We started in the south park blocks and then grabbed some coffee and bagels. Eventually it stopped spitting rain and we went to Tanner Springs Park and had a blast getting some fantastic shots. I can't wait to see them!

After that, I dropped Ryan and Ruby off at home, and nipped off to Crafty Wonderland to see the fabulous Laurie (aka OUOU) in her first craft show. What a lovely afternoon, chatting with friends, seeing local crafters sell their wares. Finally I came home and made a huge delicious batch of spaghetti, played a rousing game of 'who's asleep' before the sweet wee one snuck off to bed. 

Now the husband and I are watching a movie, and I'm going to spend an hour or so knitting and snacking before bed. I know it doesn't sound like much, or anything exciting, but it's sure a fantastic sunday to me. :)

What's your perfect Sunday?

Grace in small things 52/365

I think I've started more than one of these this year, saying that it's hard to find things to be grateful for, that it's hard to find the grace in the mundane... but I'm here again saying that it's hard, in my life right now to find that grace. It's so easy to see the negative, to point out the ugly, the painful, the heartbreaking.  I joined GIST because I wanted to find the grace in every day to get through the difficult things that may lay ahead of us this year... and sure enough, it was a shit of a year. I didn't keep my my end of the bargain, finding the grace in the mundane, waging the battle against embitterment. Truth be told, I'm pretty bitter. 

I started 2009 with the fervent wish I'd end it with a new baby in my arms. Now, we're near the end, and not only am I not nursing a newborn, I'm not pregnant, and realized this week that due to the state of the economy, we don't have access to funds to even consider trying again. I know these may not seem like big complaints to some, but when conceiving a child isn't easy, it's expensive. The thing is, I'm only 38, but all of a sudden, on top of male factor infertility issues, we also have secondary female factor... aka, my ovaries are giving up the ghost. So we have a small window of time to have a biological child, before we talk about the next set of options. This is, believe it or not, a really difficult thing to let go of, something we won't be letting go of without a lot of therapy. 

So here we are, heading into the winter holidays. Empty arms, empty womb, empty bank account. Time to find the grace in the small things.

1. An extra hour of sleep in the morning, even if it only came because a certain 3 year old was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night. There is something lovely about waking up at 8 am instead of 6:30.
2. Coffee and There's  a wocket in my pocket by the heat vent in the kitchen. Not a bad way to start the day.
3. A fabulous new hair cut and color. A splash of maroon can brighten any crabby old lady!
4. Pizza and a movie with my two favorite humans.
5. Kissing my sweet girl good night, and holding her hand as she drifts back to sleep after an bad dream. 

Unfair

So much in life seems unfair. A friends child dies. Another's child needs brain surgery. Several friends are struggling so much financially that they require federal assistance to feed their children. Lost jobs, lost homes, lost marriages. 

None of these things are happening to me. Other things are happening to me, things that are unfair, things that break my heart, things that I have no control over. But, my child is healthy, we have food on our table, our income stable, my marriage is strong. 

I choose to be grateful for these things. My heart aches for the things that will not be, my eyes weep tears for the future that will never come to pass, but I am grateful for today. 

Wordless Wednesday

Yeah, it's kind of cheating, but I may end up blogging on my private blog to make up for it. ;) 

Sometimes the right socks, make your day. 

Routine

Fall always seems like the time of year I crave organization and routine. I never used to be a routine person, I was more of a fly by the seat of my pants, out of the fire and into the frying pan kinda gal... and then I had a kid. 

As a rule, kids crave routine apparently. Mine doesn't totally, but we both have better days when there is some predictability to it. Of course that would start with a predictable and stomachable wake up time... but that was yesterday's story. 

My perfect routine isn't just the day... it's the whole week. I like knowing that certain days include certain tasks, that the bathroom always gets cleaned on monday and bread is always baked on tuesdays and saturdays. I like the freedom of the menu plan so that I don't start considering 'whats for dinner' at 5 pm. 

Many of you will say "oh  you need a home management binder!" yeah yeah yeah. I tried that. it was way too much crap for me. I don't need to organize crafts and holidays and what not in the same place. hell, with those things I'm still a fly by the seat of my pants girl. What I did (and need to revamp) is make a daily chore chart/schedule and put them in sleeves that can be hung on a ring in the kitchen.  Somehow those sheets have disappeared, so they need to be found and put back into use. 

Of course the holidays are coming, so i'm also planning gifts, knitting up a storm and thinking about travel... which messes up the routine. Well, you can't win them all, right?

On Sleep, or lack thereof.

Sleep has always been my nemesis. Well, not always but for a really, really long time. Since this is a story about 2 peoples horrible sleep, it'll be in bullet points and besides, I slept very little last night so gimme a break.  

•  I remember having recurring nightmares as a small child that I killed my grandfather. Hows that for fun, when you're 7 years old, eh? they stopped promptly after I found out (as a teen ager) that he was a pedophile. My guess is that I witnessed this atrocity (he died when i was less than 3) and my subconscious wanted to finish him off.  I hate that this happened, but truthfully, I was so glad the nightmares stopped, they were gruesome and wicked, and nothing a small child should ever imagine. Needless to say, I had difficulty falling asleep at night. 
• Sometime in my mid teens I had a horrible bout of full on insomnia. I don't remember much about it, or how long it lasted, but I think I hardly slept for a week. After that, I had more trouble falling asleep. Sometimes I would lay in bed for hours, waiting for sleep to overtake me, only to find that I still had to get up at 6 am to be at school at 7:15. Awesome. No matter how tired I was, i still couldn't fall asleep before midnight at the earliest. Ouch. 
• When I finally became pregnant with Ruby, sleep was a dream. I fell asleep the minute my head hit the pillow and would fall back to sleep easily when i was woken by potty breaks, or kicking baby. I slept 9-10 hours a night and it was brilliant. 
• Ruby's first year, she nursed every 2 hours or less round the clock. You'd think this would have been exhausting, but mostly it wasn't. I don't know if it was the oxytocin, or just the sheer exhaustion of mothering a newborn, but I fell asleep easily and mostly (other than teething and sickness) felt rested.
• Ruby has always had sleep issues. As an infant  she would only nap in arms, or next to me, or in a carrier. Sometimes this was no big deal, i'd just nap with her, or keep her on me while she napped, but sometimes I would have loved to have a free moment to myself during the day. 
• After she turned one, and she was only napping 1x a day, getting her to sleep became increasingly difficult. Sometimes it would take 45 minutes to get her to fall asleep, only to have her take a 45 minute nap. Bedtime became the worst time of day, making me feel like a failure as a gentle parent and a complete jerk, as I loathed the 2-3 hours it took for her to fall asleep  every night. 
• She stopped napping all together around 26 months, and for a brief period, sleep was awesome. She'd be asleep at 7 pm within 5 minutes of getting in bed, and she'd sleep for up to 11 hours without waking. I'd still have trouble falling asleep, but even falling asleep at midnight allowed me almost 6-7 hours of sleep some nights.  And then the roof caved in. 
• About a year ago, my insomnia went up a notch, and Ruby started waking up for hours in the middle of the night. She would fall asleep easily at 7 pm, but then wake up anytime between 1-5 and be awake for a couple of hours, tossing and turning, some nights going back to sleep, others not at all. We never got her out of bed, or allowed her to play, just spent hours telling her to go back to sleep. She would have 2-4 nights of this, followed by 1-3 nights of sleeping through the night. It didn't seem to matter if she had eaten a big meal, not eaten, whatever... there was no rhyme or reason. Perhaps this made it harder for me to fall asleep, as tired as I was, I started developing anxiety around sleeping at all, since I never knew what my night would be like. This is the period I'd like to call 'sheer hell'. Ryan would get up and go sleep in the guest room during the week when she'd wake up so that he could  hopefully show up to work with some sort of brain power, but since I only work part time, I would bear the brunt of the crappy sleep. Truth be told, I've learned to survive on little sleep, obviously. One night of being up with her for hours, and he was a walking zombie, some people just aren't cut out for sleep deprivation. On the weekends, I'd sleep in the guest room, or I'd pass her off to him at 7 am, and go back to sleep for a few hours. Lather rinse repeat. 
• Finally, when we came to the conclusion that Ruby appears to be on the Autism spectrum, the crappy sleep made much more sense. A lot of kids on the spectrum have horrible sleep. (see above = horrible sleep). This didn't solve the problem, but at least I had something to point my finger at with a sneer on my face. We recently ordered a weighted blanket with the hopes it would buy us more good nights, and in some ways it has. However, this coincided with a trip to michigan, (a 3 hour time difference) and unfortunately, the day we came home was also fall back day... so now Ruby is waking up at 4:45 every day, no matter what time she goes to bed. 
• Last night was particularly awesome, as I fell asleep at 12, she crawled into bed with me at 1, and proceeded to shove her feet and elbows into my back and steal my pillow till 4:45 when she was up for the day. I spend 2 hours attempting to get her back to sleep before handing over my iPhone and a banana and letting her watch 45 minutes of Curious George while I try to doze and not lose my cool. It seems on a good night I'll get 6 interrupted hours of sleep, on a bad night, 3. I seem to get more bad than good nights. 
• All of this makes me a very cranky, irritable person. I struggle not to yell, and the tv is on a lot more than I'd like. It's harder to do my job as a chiropractor, and even harder to be a decent mother. 
• I'm not posting this to get advice. Trust me, we've tried everything short of letting her cry it out, and she's 3.5, sticking her in a room to cry her self to sleep at 3 am isn't going to help anyone, least of all my sensitive kid. I'm merely posting this to complain, to bitch and moan about the pitiful state of my REMs. I have it on good authority that even ASD kids eventually sleep... so I'm just biding my time. Besides, even if she doesn't sleep, she's bound to move out someday. 

Forever

 Today I took part in a walk for those who have lost a baby. This, sadly is a pretty broad category. I know families that have had multiple miscarriages, had chemical pregnancies, had mid pregnancy loss, late term loss, still birth, babies die during the birthing process and had babies die right after birth. I've cried more tears than I care to count for these families, and I know I will cry again. Sadly I also know I will hear these stories told anew for years to come. It seems as long as people are having babies, we're also having losses. They say, a loss, is a loss, and yet some seem so much harder to bear. 

Some women lose babies and seem to go right back on with life, while others get completely lost in the grief. Some women decide to get pregnant right away, while others decide that they can never have another child. Some women give birth to a silent baby, and then pump milk for another mama as a way to heal, and honor their child, yet another may bind her breasts that very day because she can't bear to feel her milk coming in for a baby who won't ever nurse. None of these choices is right, and none of them is wrong. There is no right way to heal from this process. There is no one who can tell you what to do, how to grieve, and when it will ease. Even someone who's walked your path won't know what will be right for you. All you can do is grope your way blindly through the pain, and pray for grace. 

Today we listened to a few women tell their story (which I missed as my miracle child Ruby wanted to throw rocks in the river) and then we walked through the covered bridge over to a beautiful wooden bridge and threw rose petals into the river to honor the babies that lived only in hearts and wombs, never in arms. We were last across the bridge, and each tossed in a handful of rose petals. I found myself unable to contain the tears, thinking about each and every baby, mother, father, family, myself included. I watched the rose petals float down the river, drifting slowly out of my line of sight. I thought of these sweet babies, each entered our lives for brief times, and then slowly drifted out of them. Then I noticed that several rose petals were caught in the debris of the river, in the swirling eddies and currents. Those are the pieces of these babies we will never forget. The places they touched our lives, imprinted our souls and got caught up in the debris of our hearts. Somewhere in the current of our blood as it flows through our bodies are these babies, these loved, wanted, much wished for babies. 
And we will never forget. 
Forever.