Mamazen

9 months

My dear amazing Lucy,

You're NINE months old. 3/4 of the way to ONE. I know I say this every month, but HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?  You've had a busy busy month. Lots of growing, new teeth and you're starting to army crawl!

You had coffee with a new friend, Jasper. Well I had coffee, you had a new friend. He wanted to hug you. You just wanted to smile at him. 

You're working on getting around the room. You're still relatively slow at it, and prefer to roll places, or even better, shout at me until I pick you up and move you to where you want to be. I know, but you're so cute, it's hard to let you suffer. 

We had a stretch of lovely weather (oh Portland and your false warm spring!) and you spent some time out in the yard playing. This is a rattle made with love by your Grandpa. You'll soon realize you come from crafty people.

We spent some time in the sand at one of our lovely river beaches. 

Unlike your sister, you aren't a fan of sand. Or water. This will make our summer festivities very interesting... or you'll spend a lot of time on my back. 

You do love spending time on my back (or daddy's back). Some mornings you hang out there while Daddy is getting Ruby ready for school, and most afternoons you spend some time there while I'm playing with sister, or while I'm cooking dinner. 

Believe it or not, you do love the swing, you just can't tell from this picture. 

But you sure can from this one. You can also tell how much you LOVE that big sister of yours!

You're fitting in to some of her old things. It warms my heart to no end to put you in her hand me downs. Especially ones made with love by your Nana. 

You love your sister so much you try to rip her hair out at any opportunity. She doesn't seem to mind. 

Speaking of hair, you've got quite a bit compared to Ru at this age. I have some fun when you're not paying attention. 

 

 

You and Ruby love hanging out together. She spends time making you laugh or showing off to you, or sometimes you just each do your thing next to each other. Her being near by is quite motivating for you to get mobile. Just this week you started army crawling! You're very motivated by certain toys, and especially by Ruby's ipad. If she's playing with it, you want to participate. She's not much of a fan of sharing it just yet though.

You had your 9 month check in with your doctor Amanda today. You're 18lbs 4oz! You gained 2lbs in 6 weeks, which is great because at 6 months you had plateaued. It's nice to see you chunking up. Your fat little thighs are incredibly delicious and adorable. You are 27.5 inches long! you started off at 21.5 inches so that's a 6 inch height gain in less than a year. I think you're going to be taller than your sister when all is said and done. You are hitting all of your developmental milestones on time and you have *almost* six teeth. You love love love solid food, much more so than your sister did at this age. Today you tried cantaloupe for the first time, and loved it! the only thing you haven't liked so far is pears but we will try again, because pears are awesome. You love chicken and beef and pork, rutabaga, turnips, sweet potato, zucchini, butternut squash, carrots, peas and avocado. You also had lentils this week but they made you gassy and you didn't sleep well so we won't have those again for a while.  

 

My darling sweet Lucy, you are SUCH a delight to live with. Your disposition is so happy and charming. Your smile is delightful and your laugh is edible. Since solving your tummy problems, you went from a baby who was always somewhere between slightly irritated and stiff to screaming inconsolably ... to a baby who is almost always joyful and relaxed, who sleeps well (for a baby) and laughs easily. My heart is SO relieved we found an answer. You've taught me SO much compassion and patience in your 9 months. 

We spent so long trying to will you into existence and in the end you are 100x more amazing then I could have ever dreamed up. I couldn't not have imagined you if I tried, nor could I have imagined how much I would fall in love with you, and how much watching you and Ruby fall in love with each other would be such a balm for my soul. Every day you make me smile, every day you fill my heart with joy, every day you make our family even better than it was. I could not love you more. 

All of my heart and so much more, Mama.

8 months

My dear sweet Lucy,

You're EIGHT months old. I'm two weeks late on your letter because we've been so busy and I'm SO tired, but I'm finally here with the computer open and my heart on fire.

You've had a HUGE month. You gained a pound an a half, weighing in at 16.5 lbs! You're not a huge baby but you finally have some chunky monkey thighs and it's beyond adorable. Between your tummy troubles and my supply dropping we had some work to do together, but we've both caught up and are now moving forward. 

You are LOVING eating solid foods. Your big sister Ruby took to them much more slowly, so her transition (and thus her poops transition) was very gradual. You will eat anything you get your hands on so your guts had a little freak out trying to get used to digesting something completely new. However, eating solids has been the final thing that has completely fixed your tummy woes. You are now pooping totally normally, pain free, mucus free and regularly. Never in my life did I think that my mothering would revolve around poop but between you and your sister, it's a daily topic. 

You've tried butternut squash,with a little help from your sister. She loves to feed you! She will 'accidentally' get it on your face then proclaim "OH just LOOK at your face!" Then you laugh and laugh. Silly girls. 

You also loved carrots and sweet potatoes. 

Zucchini is a daily favorite too, Grandpa helped you gobble up this meal!

And like a true west coast girl, you LOVE avocado. Can't blame you!

Riding in the car carts is a new favorite thing to do. Ruby LOVES to ride with you and shower you with kisses during the ride, pointing out all the things in the store. You just take it all in, especially your sister's love. 

Speaking of sisterly love...

We also had a spring hailstorm, and while you couldn't enjoy it like Ruby did, you sure enjoyed watching Ruby!

You've mastered sitting up alone to play (and you've clearly mastered your smirk) and it's given you new found freedom! You can sit and play for long periods of time, tho you love having me or your daddy or sister play with you. 
Thanks to Laurie for this awesome picture! 

You sure are loved and adored, Lucy. 

My dear sweet LuLu, I cannot believe you've been here for 8 months, and yet it seems like the blink of an eye and forever all at the same time. You are the sun and the moon and the stars. You can make a cloudy day brighter with your wry smirk and your infectious giggle. You have made me so happy, and your daddy so proud and your sister SO mature. Even when you wake me up to nurse every two hours, your presence is a balm to my soul.  I always knew I wanted to be a mama to more than one kiddo, and when we thought you'd never come, the ache was ever present, and now here you are; you have filled a void and our hearts are overflowing. I could not imagine my life without you. 

All of my love, Mama.

7 months

My dear sweet Lucy, 

You are now 7 months old. You're closer to ONE than you are a newborn. Can I be honest here? THAT TOTALLY FREAKS ME OUT. 

This month has been a big one for us. Since we FINALLY figured out what was bothering your tummy and keeping you from sleeping you and I have been enjoying some decent nights of sleep. That is to say, you sleep like a baby. Some nights you sleep for LONG stretches (these are my favorites) and some nights you're up every two hours for milk but all of that is normal for a baby and I'm SO glad to be here and not where we were 6 weeks ago when you were up screaming in pain all night long and I didn't sleep at all. MUCH BETTER.

You've got some catching up to do on some of your develpmental skills, but since you spent 2.5 months kind of miserable this isn't a surprise. Now that you're sleeping more and crying less you'll have time and energy to work on those things. You roll all over the place and it's pretty cute, we got a soft mat for you to play on and you sometimes roll right off!  You're also working on putting your butt in the air and some other pre-crawling  activities and it's awfully adorable. 

Just like your sister, you love being worn. At the end of the day when you're tired but I still need to make dinner you tend to spend the last hour or so on my back, happily watching what goes on and usually chewing on a toy. 

Speaking of chewing on things...

We started trying solid foods this week! you chowed down on some sweet potatoes and LOVED gnawing on a chicken bone. You have yet to consume much actual solid food but you sure are cute trying it!

You also like to chew on anything you can get your hands on. Toys, cloth, your teething necklace... I think you're making more teeth. 

I found one of Ruby's old hats and put it on you. She was only 2 months old so it fit her a little more, but we can clearly see how she looks like mama and you look so much like daddy... and yet you look like sisters!

Love love love. There is SO much love between you and Ruby. When she gets off the bus she is SO excited to see you, kissing you and wanting to hold your hand. Every night before bedtime, as I'm rocking you to sleep she comes over and kisses your head and says "good night, Lucy. I love you, Lucy! have happy dreams!" It pretty much makes my heart explode a million times and yet the same thing happens the next night. How did I ever get so lucky?

My dear sweet Lucy, every day I am more thankful you finally joined our family. Every day I am awed by your sweet disposition, your shy smile and the tender way you bring your sisters love to this world. I am madly in love with the deep chocolate pools that are your eyes and your shock of hair that looks like a toupee.  Thank you for chosing me to be your mama, and thank you for bringing with you so many lessons in compassion, patience and preserverance. I could not love you more. 

xoxo Mama

6 months

My Dear Sweet Lucy,

Today you are 6 months old. (Ok, once again it was two days ago, but we're busy people, and I hardly have time to open my laptop much less write) You're halfway to ONE. Holy moly, how does this happen so fast? 

We've finally figured out your tummy troubles, after much anguish and heartbreak. You're allergic to onions, chocolate, dairy, sugar and oats. I am allergic to dairy and oats too so we're avoiding them now  and frankly I miss onions more than chocolate. You poop hasn't normalized but you're no longer screaming in pain all night long so we're getting *some* sleep, but it's not perfect.

Our journey to figuring this out included a trip to the ER when we (and your doctor) were worried you had an intestinal blockage and a trip to a GI specialist (who told me to stop nursing you and give you formula. The lack of sleep and the stress made my milk supply take a nose dive and your weight gain slowed down so we're working on remedying that too.  All in all, you're a much happier baby, which makes me a much happier mama. 

You're desperately trying to sit up on your own, though you really do have a ways to go, when we do sit you up you fall right over. You're also trying some pre-crawling techniques, but all you acomplish is getting your butt in the air and your face smashed on the ground, but you're working on it and it's adorable. As you can see in the picutre above, you've learned to drive, but since you're teething, you tried to eat the car and that doesn't work out so well. 

 

We've had some lovely days for being late January/early February so we've done many hikes with the family. You end up sleeping through most of them but when you're awake you sure do love to look around and see the world around you. Like your big sister Ruby you are fascinated with everything outside. 

Speaking of things you're fascinated with... You are so in love with Ruby, and she is still so in love with you!  Every day she wants to hold you, and she makes you laugh and smile. She also loves to pick out your clothes so don't blame me if you're dressed like a clown, blame her. 

I've started wearing you on my back while I'm cooking dinner, since it's so close to bedtime that you just start falling apart. You love it. I've worn you in the grocery store, the craft store and to walk outside. Just like Ruby you love being back there, and since you only weigh about 14 lbs, I love having you back there. Ruby loves to play a game where I put you on my back then we pretend we don't know where you are, and we say "where's Lucy?" then she shouts "THERE SHE IS!" and we all laugh. Yeah, we're silly, but you'll get used to it. 

They way you two look at each other is so sweet, I just can't wait to see how your relationship develops. I have a feeling you're going to be great friends, occasional enemies and constant allies. It truly makes my heart sing. 

It's not all sweet and fun, sometimes you pull her hair and she doesn't like that too much, but she does occasionally steal your toys and hide them. I'm trying to convince her that you don't like it and eventually you'll retaliate.

We recently got you a hand me down exersaucer, and you love it. (Ruby loves it too and shows you how all the toys work, and occasionally gets in it when you're not, silly girl) When you're in the right mood, I can put you in there and you'll happily play for several minutes. When you're not in the mood you let me know right away. But you sure do love the new perspective and the access to toys. 

All things said, you're such a sweet baby. You're happy and smiley and content. You are in 'observe' mode a lot, where you just watch everyone and everything, and then comment on what interests you (with goo and coo). We sing little songs to you and about you and they make you smile your not so gummy smile. (you got TWO teeth this month! your first two! No wonder we never sleep!) 

My darling Lucy, it's hard to believe you once weren't a part of our family. We worked so hard to bring you to us and now you're here and almost daily I'm still surprised that it's true. Every morning I wake up and you're there (and ALL NIGHT LONG sometimes too) and you're sweet and you smile at me like it's the first time we've met and my heart melts. Every afternoon your sister steps off the bus and asks "Where's my lucy?" and when you wake up from your nap she runs upstairs to get you and she says in the sweetest voice "Oh HI LUCY!" and my heart melts again. Every night we sit in the rocking chair and you nurse until you're almost asleep and then you pull off and my heart is so full that I fear it might burst but then  the weight of your tiny body seeps into my bones and I melt into a puddle of goo. I am yours, and you are mine and I couldn't ask for anything more. 

All my love, today and forever, Mama

5 Months

Dear Lucy, 

You are now 5 months old.  You're getting SO BIG, and yet you're not. As I mentioned last month, you've had some tummy issues and we finally figured out what was going on. You had an overgrowth of bacteria in your intestines and needed some medicine to help get things back in balance. You really hated the medicine, and the other medicine we gave you to help it not make you feel any worse, and twice a day we argued about getting it in your mouth and down your throat, not just in your mouth and dribbling back down your chin. 

Then, just a few days before you were to be done with this medicine, you developed more intense tummy symptoms (watery diarrhea to be exact) and had an afternoon of horrific abdominal pain. Our doc diagnosed you with Noro Virus (which is just the most common stomach bug that causes vomiting - you didn't have that, and watery diarrhea and severe abdominal pain). Fortunately it was fast and furious with you and within several hours you weren't in pain any more (tho you had diarrhea for a few days). Now we're on the upswing, taking tons of probiotics and other stuff to help your guts balance out. 

Ok, back to what I was saying... you're getting SO BIG, and yet you're not. You're just over 13 lbs, just a little peanut weight wise, but you're already pushing the length on 6 month sized clothes. You're much longer tho not as chunky as your big sister Ruby was at your age.  However you're pretty good at rolling, when she was still learning at 5months, and you're desperate to sit up, though you've got a lot of work to do before you can. 

One skill you've been working on is picking up toys and bringing them to your mouth. Sometimes you're pretty good at it, other times... well let's say you haven't given yourself a black eye yet. 

You've also found your feet! it's pretty cold in our old house so you've really just found your socks but it's still cute!

We went to the snow for the first time. You were unimpressed. 

You're a pretty smiley baby when you're not too tired, or when your tummy isn't bugging you. Your little giggle is just delightful and infectious. (thankfully your tummy woes were not)

You love your big sister Ruby SO much. The way you look at her, and the way she looks at you makes my heart happier than I ever imagined it could be.  I just can't wait to see what happens between the two of you as you grow up together. Truly, I could not love two people more than I love you and your sister.

My dear sweet Lucy, 5 months you've been in my life and it seems like an eternity, and also the blink of an eye. The joy you bring to this house is immeasureable.  You've filled in holes we didn't know existed, you've fixed cracks that we thought weren't repairable, you've opened doors we didn't think we'd ever find the key to. You're magical and beautiful and truly amazing. 

I love you to the moon and back. xoxo Mama

Six and a half

My dear amazing Ruby,

You're six and half. WHAT? how did that happen? Well, it keeps happening, you just keep getting older, I guess I should get used to it... but it's so very hard. 

You are an amazing big sister. You've only showed aggression/frustration toward your little sister one time, and quite frankly you were having one of the worst days of your life that day, so I chalk it up to that. You're learning how to be helpful, getting her pacifier (or Chewey as you call it) and bringing me a blanket when she's nursing to sleep. You're also learning to make her laugh and smile. Lucy is ultimately fascinated by you. When you're playing near her she watches everything you do and it's completely adorable. When you do something that makes her laugh, you stop everything that you're doing and try and try to get her to laugh again. You have absolutely no idea how much I love this. THIS is why I wanted you to have a sibling. Your favorite things are to pretend to sneeze (very dramatically), to say "a goo goo!" to her (which makes her have the sweetest smile, and occasionally she goos back) and tonight you ROARed at her and she thought you were hilarious.  Over and over you roared and waited for her response. Sometimes when I think my heart can't take anymore... things like this happen.

 

I mentioned earlier that you'd had one of the worst days of your life, and it was one of mine too. You seemed to have hit a point lately where your sensory system was completely overloaded and one day you just snapped. You ran away from me in the street MANY times. Once a kind stranger stopped you before you got to an intersection, I don't know if you would have run into it but I was chasing you with Lucy asleep in her carseat and I know I couldn't have stopped you myself.  It happened many times in one day, sending me a bit over the edge and making me worry for your safety.  Fortunately within a few days you seemed to return to your normal (if not a little overstimulated) self. I'm so glad, because you mean the world to me. 

On your last day of school before winter break, on the other side of the country a very bad man walked into a school and hurt a lot of people, including killing 20 children your age. When I heard the news it was all I could do to not rush to your school and sweep you into my arms just to know you were safe and alive and still mine.  Every moment I can these past two weeks I am thankful for your safety and beating heart. I think about the parents who are grieving and I can hardly breathe trying to imagine the enormity of their grief.  I love you so very much. 

You just celebrated your 6th Christmas, and it was your first truly magical one.  I wondered if you would ever  *get* Santa and the magic that surrounds Christmas and this year you did. I had no idea if all the movies and chatter would affect you, but the morning of Christmas when you slunk into my bathroom while I finished showering (yeah, I was up EARLY with Lucy) and I asked you if you thought Santa had brought presents you replied "Let's go see!" and my heart leapt from my chest.  You waited patiently while I got dressed and then raced down the stairs, just like any other kid. When you saw the presents under the tree you exclaimed "PRESENTS!!!!"  and I knew that for a brief moment, you believed in Santa Clause.  You then ran into the guest room shouting loudly to your Nana and Grandpa "GET UPGET UP GET UP! Presents!" and I knew that everyone in the house was filled with the magic of Christmas. 

Then you excitedly opened each present, played with it briefly and then moved on to the next one. Christmas at our house is sparse. We don't buy lots of stuff, and this year, 3 of your 4 gifts to open were hand me down toys, which makes them all the more awesome knowing many other kids have enjoyed them before you. Your favorite gift was the box of pink legos, because you love all things pink (much to my dismay). You then helped everyone else open presents, delighting in each gift.  You truly embodied Christmas, and it was the Best. Christmas. Ever.

Speaking of the best things ever... our tree is amazing. You have taken decorating the tree to  a whole new level. Everything you colored, cut, made, or found ended up on the tree this year and I could not love it more. It is truly the best tree ever.

 

My darling sweet Ruby. I cannot believe you are  six and a half.  You amaze me on a regular basis, and your gains constantly take me by surprise. Your love for your sister and the sweetness with which you look at her fills me with so much joy. I have no idea where your life will take you, but for the past six and a half years I have loved where it has taken me. 

All my love, Mama. 

4 months

Dear Lucy, 

You are now 4 months old. (Yeah I'm not making these on your monthly birthdate, but two kids is a lot more work than one!) FOUR! You're rolling all the time, *almost* rolling from front to back but you're still not a fan of being on your tummy so most times you roll over you just get mad and shout (and then I roll you back.) You get stronger every day, doing your baby crunches, desperate to sit up... but you're not there yet, and I'm not into rushing anything. Take your time, I'm enjoying your babyhood. 

Well, I'm enjoying *most* of your babyhood. You're still having poop issues. You don't poop every day, and when you do it's mucusy (yeah, gross but this is what we will remember about your infancy, so why not tell you about it) I've pretty much removed everything that could possibly be irritating your tum from my diet, and am eating all meats and veg with a little oatmeal. I even gave up coffee. COFFEE. You'll understand someday when you're a grown up that coffee is very important. However if you decide to be a mama, you'll know that your babies are more important, even more important than coffee. Hopefully we'll start seeing a change soon, cause it sucks to see you feeling bad. 

You're belly laughing often, and you have a few ticklish spots. Ruby has managed to make you laugh by sneezing then fake sneezing over and over. It was so adorable and sweet that I thought my heart would explode. I would have gotten it on video to share with the whole world but sometimes you just want to keep things in your own heart. She loves you SO much. She still wants to kiss you every chance she gets (even ... no *especially* when you're sleeping). She's asked to hold you, and has tried to pick you up, but you're heavier than she can carry (thankfully). 

You've had your first Thanksgiving (and yes, we're all thankful for you!) and your first trip to the Christmas tree farm. One was warm and filled with laughter, and the other was cold and windy and... filled with laughter. 

Ruby loved the Christmas tree farm, running from tree to tree shouting "THIS ONE!" as they got bigger and bigger. She loves Christmas, the tree, the crafts, the lights. I can't wait for you to experience it with her! You watch everything she does, I'm sure you can't wait to join her in her adventures. 

You're mostly a happy little peanut, except when your tummy is bothering you. We've got doctors and lactation consultants, and all manner of woo woo practitioners trying to figure out what is going on. We will figure it out, I promise!  The other bummer that goes with your tummy woes is disrupted sleep. Some nights you wake up at 3 am and cry for a couple of hours, or squirm  and arch uncomfortably. It's heartbreaking and exhausting. 

My dear sweet Lucy Mae, a year ago you were just a glimmer of possibility in my heart. You were 1000 paper cranes strung over my bed. You were a whisper of hope after years of heartache. 

Now, here you are. Hope incarnate. Dreams made real.  You are 1000 paper cranes in a onesie. And you could not be more perfect. 

 

All my love, Mama

3 months

Dear Lucy,
Today you're 3 months old. (Ok I'm a few days late but hey it's a busy life with you and Ruby). How is this happening so fast?
What can I say, you're adorable.

You're still eating and sleeping and growing. Your ability to sleep at night still amazes me, since your sister didn't sleep long stretches until she was MUCH older. You tend to get a long stretch in the first part of the night then want to nurse more often in the wee hours of the morning, but its just amazing how much more rested I am than I was when ruby was a newborn. I guess you're no longer considered a newborn, you're an infant! Slow down!

You've started smiling and cooing in earnest and its nothing short of incredible. You respond to faces and voices and sometimes even try to mimic sounds. Ruby is patient enough to 'talk' to you but she tries constantly to make you laugh... which you've also started doing. My heart practically explodes each time I hear it. 

You weigh about the same as your sister at 3 months. You're around 12.5 lbs, not huge, not tiny. Actually you're quite long, you can already wear some 6 month outfits because you got your daddy's long torso! You also got your daddy's beautiful brown eyes, and everyone remarks on how incredible they are.

You're already hitting the developmental milestones out of the park. Saturday at mama baby yoga, you decided to roll over, a feat ruby didn't figure out till she was 4 months old (tho according to her 3 month letter she was trying!). I'd noticed you doing some prerolling exercises but quite frankly it completely took me by surprise! SLOW DOWN! What's next? 

 

My dear sweet LuLu. I just can't believe you're here. It seems like just 5 minutes ago we were desperately wishing for another baby in our home and now you're here and rolling over, and laughing and charming the pants off of each of us. You've not only filled a void in our home, but in our hearts, and its clear as day that you and Ruby were meant to be together. I never knew how much my heart would grow when you joined our family, but seeing you and Ruby together just blows my mind. Thank you for finally getting here. Thank you for letting me be a mama again. Thank you for letting ruby be a big sister and for tolerating all the love she showers you with. She taught me that my love was boundless, and you've multiplied it times a million. I just can't wait to see what's next.

All of my love, Mama

 

2 months

Dear Lucy,
Today you are 2 months old. Already. How?? Just like your sister you insist on growing everyday, I guess I'd better get used to it. 
You've started smiling. It's pretty awesome. Ruby tries to make you smile every chance she gets but you're still pretty stingy with them. You do let her kiss you all the time, I actually surprised at how much you tolerate from her. She thinks you're amazing, and has taken to calling you "my Lucy" or "my baby" as in "where's my Lucy?" When she comes home from school. Just wait till you're a bit more interactive, I'm betting you two are going tobe quite a pair. 

You've also started cooing. It's also completely awesome. You're daddy is smitten as per usual. It's pretty fun to listen as you start to find your voice. Watching a little person grow is mind blowing.
You're actually a genius baby. Last night you slept from 12:30-5:45, woke up to nurse with a dry diaper, then slept from 6:30-9:30 and STILL woke up with a dry diaper (then you peed 3 x in a row but who can blame you?). We're on night 3 of 5 hours of straight sleep. I think you're brilliant!

You're eating and sleeping and growing just perfectly. You've just outgrown your extra small diapers and we've passed them on to another expectant mama, along with some tiny baby clothes that don't fit anymore. It all happens so fast!

By the time I write your next letter I'll be back to work, tho truthfully I've already worked a little and when I go back it'll only be for a few hours a couple of days a week. I've run my business and been a doctor for 13 years, it'll be there when you've grown up and you need me more than it does. (I do have to pay my student loans, so I have to work some.)

Ruby loves getting you out for walks in the stroller. You love being in it once we get moving, which is great because hopefully soon I'll get to start running again and you can be my jogging buddy. When we walk to the cafe, Ruby pushes and stops every block or so to touch your head and make sure you're ok (you always are). She dotes on you every second she gets, and never seems to get bored or annoyed by your presence. Let's see if she feels the same way when you're two. 

My dear amazing Lucy. A year ago I was reeling from a miscarriage, gearing up to give it another shot at giving Ruby a baby sibling. Every night I would lay under a blanket of cranes that were folded with you in mind and wishing, hoping, dreaming for you. Now, here we are, every night I lay under a blanket of cranes with you in my arms and at my breast. 

I'm living the dream, baby. Living the dream. 

 

If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

I just can't believe you're finally here, we waited SO long and worked SO hard for you, and here you are. It's pretty awesome. 
All of my love, Mama 

One month.

Dear Lucy,

And so, it begins. Six years ago when your big sister Ruby was one month old I started writing monthly letters to her, and wrote one every month till she was five, and now write them at least 3-4 times a year. I want you both to have them when you're grown up so you'll know all about the fun stuff you did, and how you became who you are before you could remember. Besides, it's fun. 

So, let me be honest when I say that I never thought I'd get the chance to start these letters for another little person.  Honestly, I can hardly type that without getting teary. It was a long road to get to you, almost impossibly long. Years before you were born, we thought we were done trying to grow our little family. We'd tried everything we could and had failed miserably and were heartbroken that there would never be another other tiny person growing up in our house. And then... we decided to give it another shot. We picked ourselves up and dusted our hearts off and crossed every line we'd ever drawn in the sand in the quest to bring you into existence. It was quite possibly the hardest, and easiest and most amazing choice we've ever made. 

And it worked. 

You've been here for one whole month. If getting you in was tough, getting out out was even tougher. Just like your sister, you required days of labor, hours of pushing (though you only needed 9 to your sisters 13), super human efforts on my part, ending in a cesarean birth. However, unlike your sister, I was more savvy, had a much better hospital team and your birth, though incredibly challenging, was not emotionally traumatic. In so many ways, your birth healed many deep wounds from your big sister's birth. 

Speaking of your big sister, wow. She sure does love you. She constantly wants to shower you with hugs and kisses, and she's matured SO much since you got here. She's talking more, and trying new things and amazingly just exceeding all of my expectations. I can only imagine how the two of you are going to rock my socks as the years go by. 

Unfortunately, your first month has been anything but quiet and relaxing. We've dealt with everything from major surgical complications, to the stomach flu, to lice, to gall stones, and now you and I are attending a 4 day conference together. Through it all you've been quite an amazing baby. You sleep pretty well, you're a great nurser, you're calm and relaxed (well not right now, you're out for a walk with your daddy because you were beside yourself with overstimulation) and really easy going. Everyone is madly in love with you, not just Ruby. 

The journey to bringing you home has tested each of us in ways we never thought possible, and luckily we made it to the other side. I have learned so much about myself, my boundaries, my heart, and my tenacity. In order to get here, I had to dig deep, deeper than I ever thought possible, and do a lot of work.  Your sister made me a mother, but you made me a tough mother.  You have made me stronger than I ever thought possible, and softer than I ever imagined, and you opened doors I never knew existed within myself. 

My dear sweet Lucy, I never thought I could love someone as deeply and as fiercly as I love your big sister Ruby... and then there you were, and oh my, how you climbed into my heart and stretched it larger than I ever thought it could be.  You are so sweet and amazing and such a magical little being, so many people were waiting for you, folding cranes (I'll tell you that story some time too my sweet) and willing you into existence, and now here you are. 

And, I love you beyond measure. xo Mama.