Mamazen

Grace in small things 47/365

My daughter is going to be three in 2 days. Just typing the phrase 'my daughter' is still sometimes shocking to me, so the fact that she is going to be THREE is blowing my mind. wow. I'm going to be the mother of a three year old girl. preschooler. crazy crazy shit, I tell you. In my mind she's still just this tiny little peanut who wakes up every 2 hours to nurse all night long... and oh how I miss that tiny little nursling. 

Anyway, I digress... Ruby is going to be three in just a couple of days, and we have family in town, so time is short for blogging and me time. However, moments of grace are huge. 

1. Having grandma in town, so that when little person wakes up at 6:45 after being awake from 4-5:30... mama gets to snooze till 8:30. yay.
2. Having a zoo pass. Nothing better than a perfect (almost) summer day wasting 2 hours watching birds, bears and sea lions.  
3. Ice water.  
4. A bff that lives 4 blocks away. Close enough for an impromptu stop over for scones after dinner when you need a cry, a hug or a laugh. Or a scone. 
5. Loving my work. This week I was honored enough to treat a mama who had a stillbirth 2 weeks ago. It was one of the most incredibly tender and painful moments of my career, placing my hands on this mamas belly, and feeling the exquisite peace of what had transpired. What is even more amazing, is that this mama is pumping milk to donate. Talk about a moment of grace in something SO not small. She lost her baby. Her baby died. And yet, she still has the capacity to be so gracious and generous. I can only hope and pray that I would have that kind of heart if I were ever to be in her shoes, although I hope and pray that I never am. 

The kindness of strangers, and friends aka Grace in not so small things 46/365

When people get sick, or have babies, or a death in the family I am one of the first people on their doorstep with a lasagna, an offer to do the laundry or to help in any way I can. Sick kid? I'll make you soup. Out of diapers and you have pneumonia? I'm on my way! Whole family have the double dragon? I've got a trunk full of toilet paper and a case of ginger ale.... I like to help, I'm good at being of service to others... you get the picture. 

What I'm not good at is asking for, or accepting help when it's offered. When I'm sick and people want to make food, I have every excuse in the book to keep them from making us a pot of soup. When people want to do nice things for me, I feel so guilty and unworthy of their generosity. But I'm trying, very hard to get over this, and sometimes you're forced to.

As I posted a while back infertility struck this family with a vengeance and conceiving a child is hard and stupidly expensive. Insurance companies will pay for you to get a new liver after you drink yourself to death, but won't put a penny toward helping you achieve parenthood (through medical treatment OR adoption). SO when you end up needing IVF to have a baby (cause you sure as shit ain't getting pregnant with your husbands baby any other way) you have to spend a lot of money. A lot of money that you just don't have lying around the house ifyouknowhatimean. The first time around we refinanced the house. Sure, it was a pain in the arse, but trust me when I tell you it was so very worth it.

This year, we had put the money aside for the one FET that we were stupidly sure would work... and it did. Then it didn't after all. So we scrounged around for the money to do the second one, and again... didn't remotely work. Now, here we are, back and ground zero trying to figure a way to make it happen someone showed up with a pot of soup. Or at least the potential for a pot of really awesome helpful soup. Lesley (whom I 'know' online from a mothering board and facebook and have met in real life only once) took it upon herself to raise money for our fresh IVF cycle this summer. I feel humbled, honored and guilty. I couldn't stop Lesley if I tried, but I'm not going to try. I'm going to sit back and be the one who accepts help. Cause I know I will pay it back 10 fold to the universe in my lifetime. It doesn't feel like that long ago (although it's well over 4 years now) that Lesley and I started an internet campaign to raise money for another friend who was going through IVF. We managed to raise enough for some plane tickets (she did her cycle in a state different from where she was living) but every penny counts.

I've always been 'out' about my infertility. I will tell anyone who walks by me on the street that my child is the product of medical brilliance and pure magic combined. I'm not shy about the facts, but have kept most of the emotional hardship to myself and a small circle of online and real life friends. Posting about it here, and linking to facebook was  a huge step, and it was both highly satisfying and horribly anxiety producing at the same time. I have colleagues and patients on facebook who would now know the full extent of my sadness and frustration (well not full as I still keep a private journal that has all the gritty details).

Since I posted it out there for the whole world to know, I have received so many thoughtful comments, and even a card from a patient that brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes the kindness of strangers, and those not so strange can truly open your heart and help heal old and new wounds.

Grace in small things 45/365

1. Sleeping an extra hour after being up with a three year old from 3:45-6:45
2. Having your bff live 4 blocks away, and also having a coffee shop 4 blocks the other way.
3. Frozen blueberries and their ability to make ruby happy
4. Fresh bread. Gluten free casein free and gluten filled. Both delicious.
5. Dinner in the sunshine with friends and babies.
Life is good.

Grace in small things 44/365

I won't lie to you. Things have been tough lately. The economy is rough, and running your own business in an crap economy is trying. My wonderful husband is stressed beyond his limits with work, yet soldiers on as everyone does, because he is grateful he has a job. My dear sweetest Ruby is almost three and clearly has a language learning delay, and as a mother this is the hardest thing I've yet to face. I may blog about that some other time, but for now I will say just that. 

I want more than anything to have another child. I yearn to feel the sweetness of a baby growing within me again, to feel the tossing, turning, kicking, growing. I desperately want to have another chance to give birth. I want to give birth on my terms. I want another chance to push a baby out, instead of have it cut out of me with violence and sadness. I long to feel a tiny sweet nursling nuzzled in my arms as the hours go by with a baby at my breast. I want to experience another human in my life, and share that human with ryan and Ruby. 

One of my biggest fears is that this won't happen. Ruby was a lucky InVitro Fertilization baby. I say lucky because we got pregnant and stayed pregnant on our first shot of IVF, and we had 6 embryos to freeze.  We ended up doing IVF after 7 IUI (intra-uterine insemination) and years of trying to conceive the way regular people do. To say I felt lucky, is an understatement. I knew the other possibilities. I know (way too) many people who have done multiple IVFs to no avail. I also know (way way way too many) people who have gotten pregnant and lost babies at every stage of the game. I know what that heartache looks like, and hell yes I felt lucky to have brought home a healthy living baby after one round of IVF. 

When we decided we were ready to have another child, we (arrogantly) assumed it would be easy. We had 6 embryo's in great condition frozen. Statistically that should have given us a decent chance at bringing home another live baby. I went into my first FET in january thinking about estimated due dates, maternity clothes and midwife appointments. I got pregnant for 15 minutes and had my heart broken. We had 3 embryos left, and went forward with another transfer, hoping against hope that we'd get an embryo that would want to stick around for longer than 15 minutes.... Nope, what we got was bupkis. Nothing, negative, nada.  We were out of embryos. Back to square one.

I'll let that sink in a little. For those of you who have no experience with the trials and tribulations of infertility... a fresh IVF cycle is something like this... 

• 2-3 weeks of mind numbing and crazy making birth control pills to down regulate your ovaries.
• 10-14 days of 2-3 shots a day in the abdomen (sub-cutaneous for those who like big words) to stimulate your ovaries to produce multiple eggs. I was a lucky one who's ovaries swelled up to the size of grapefruits and made it feel like my insides were going to fall out of my vagina. (yeah, try to get that image out of your mind now!)
•  Egg retrieval - aka transvaginal oocyte retrival. yeah. they (thankfully) knock you out (yay versied!)and stick a very long needle.... yeah. thats all I want to say. ::shudder::
• Then you wait a day while they fertilize the eggs with your partners sperm (or whomever's sperm you'd like) either by dimming the lights in the petrie dish room, or IntraCytoplasmic Sperm Injection if you have male factor infertility, and a few extra thousand dollars. 
• More waiting, while you hope and pray your fertilized eggs divide and multiply.  
• After a few days (3 or 5 depending on your age and embryo quality) they dope you up on valium, and pop a couple of those puppies back up in there and you pray for implantation, aka pregnancy.  All the while getting a 3 inch needle in the butt cheek each night filled with more fun infused hormones. 
• Any embryos you have left get frozen for future use, hopefully... or to dash your hopes against the rocks 3 years later.  

So... this is how it goes. And this is what I may or may not be doing sometime in my near future. Infertility will suck the life out of you, but one day you may get the win and you realize that it was worth every second of it, worth every shot in the ass, every bruise on your belly and ounce of misery... because one day you wake up and you have this:

And your heart cracks wide open and things pour into it and spill out of it that you never imagined were possible. 

For the past three years, Ruby has been rocking my world and filling me up with an amazing amount of love. I want more than anything to give her a sibling, to share her, and to allow her to share herself. I want more than anything to have another child. My heart aches to mother another child. 

However, a week ago we were at the zoo and I saw my sweet girl running across the grass, enjoying the sun, just being herself... and I realized with a full heart that if we do a fresh cycle of IVF and it doesn't work... if we do all we can and can't have another child... if we run the gauntlet again and don't get lucky... I know we already have. 

If this is all I get, it is more than enough. 

I haven't forgotten... 44/365

It's been a busy time. Stuff has happened. My heart was too achey to write witty or grateful blog posts. 

But spring is here in full force, the sun is out every day (even today when it rained off an on!) and there are many moments of grace to be found every day.

1. A toddler who is back to sleeping till 6:30 AM (yes, this is a decent time to wake up when you think about the alternative) and going to bed at 7:30 PM (yes she's up for 13 hours with no nap.)

2. Shortbread cookies that are divine. Both gluten free and gluten filled... so everyone in the house gets a cookie!

3. Babies with sunglasses on.

4.Having this moment on film. 

 5. Watching your best friend feed her long awaited for and dreamed of babies the first apricot of the season.

 6. Cowgirls with pointy chins. 

 7. Drooley chins in tunnels. 

 8. Sunday bike rides and french fries.

9. Lunch dates with girlfriends that include champagne in the sun and pedicures.

10. Having someone who gets you. Really gets you. Yeah, you. I'm talking to you. Thanks for the moments of grace. Thanks for holding my hand and reminding me I'll get through this. That I've done it before and I'll do it again and it will make me all the stronger. I love you too. 

Brokenness

There is a brokenness out of which comes the unbroken,
A shatteredness out of which blooms the unshatterable.
There is a sorrow beyond all grief which leads to joy
And a fragility out of whose depths emerges strength.
There is a hollow space too vast for words
Through which we pass with each loss,
Out of whose darkness we are sanctioned into being.
There is a cry deeper than all sound
Whose serrated edges cut the heart as we break open
To the place inside which is unbreakable and whole,
While learning to sing.

Rashani

Grace in small things 43/365

Oh it's been a while, hasn't it? A week, and I haven't had any moments of grace? No not really. Just a busy week with little time or energy left for my computer at the end of the day. I have had many many moments of grace this past week. 

1. Seeing a change in Ruby's behavior and talking after cutting gluten out of her diet.
2. Turning the heel on my sock (even tho there are definite mistakes). 
3. Harry Potter Audiobook on the iPhone. Nothing like hearing an old fave as you drift off to sleep. 
4. SUNSHINE. 
5. Watching Ruby peel a clementine in the sun with dirty toddler fingers.  
6. Listening to Ruby sing her two favorite songs, 'cookie cookie cookie' or 'haaaapeeeee buuuday' 
7. Singing 'Spaghetti Face' to her as she's completely enamored with eating it. 
8. Toddler belly peeking out of a new bathing suit. 
9. Coffee and Muffins with friends.  
10. Going to a networking event, and realizing that what I've created with my office is pretty amazing, and feeling pretty proud of myself.  

Monday grace in small things 41/365

I love it when Monday is a smooth transition to the new week. Especially when it's going to be a busy week.
1. A tantrum free morning filled with joyful toddler time.
2. Soft bread with softer butter.
3. Sun (In between spots of rain and hail).
4. Surprise visits from friends and sisters.
5. Amazing spaghetti sauce, and dinner with my parents.
6. Enjoying knitting socks!

Grace 41/365

Woke up sicker than yesterday. Lovely. Again, really? Ruby is already on the mend, so I'm hopeful that it may be short.
1. Getting back in bed mud morning to sleep off a fever.
2. Hot tea to survive a miserable afternoon of aches and sore throat.
3. Adina's patience in sharing toe up sock secrets.
4. French bread with butter.
5. Finding out I just might like knitting socks after all.

Grace in small things 40/365

Ah, Saturday. Sleeping in, coffee in pjs, lazy day. Oh wait. Sleep last night was fleeting and painful, with a snotty toddler up every 20 minutes unable to breathe, then doing the crocodile roll in my armpit. She was up for the day at 7:04 and thankfully Ryan took her and I crashed for 2.5 more hours. Much needed sleep. Of course the rest of the day wasn't too bad either, honestly... even with a sick toddler and a mama who seems to be coming down with a cold too. Some grocery shopping, some playtime outside, and lots of fort building. 

1. 2.5 extra (ha! only) hours of sleep.

2. trader joes. the cheese selection alone rocks, but hemp protein powder, and beer too? love it. 

3. Egg dying with a toddler. Especially one who thinks breaking the eggs apart in the dye is fun. Messy, but fun. 

4. Beef noodle soup - or Rasmussen style Faux Pho. yum. 

5. PBS - Globe Trekkers. man, those people have great jobs!

Here's to a healthy tomorrow!